I’m not sure how to put this.

Warning: I have no idea where this post will go, but it’s gotta come out.

This has little to do with coffee and much more to do with the decisions we make in life. For once I’m on the other side of the table. The one where my parents often reside. I remember the day when I told my parents I wasn’t going back to school because I had this itch in me for coffee. I wanted to be a barista. I cared a lot about being a barista and unless I got it out, I would never be able to focus on schoolwork.

A year passed and it was time to go back to school. I drove back to Minneapolis for year two. This time, a barista, and with a new job already there for me. Then, the semester ended. I passed 0 of my classes because I was too busy being at my coffee bar and couldn’t care less about English. I dropped out for good.

I now feel close to what my parents must have felt when I told them I’d be moving out of the dorms, into a house in the ghetto, and picking up a second part time job as a roaster.

I was informed today that my little brother, who just graduated from high school and immediately started at the local community college, dropped his full scholarship and told his coach he will not be playing basketball this year. The kid breathes the sport… and I don’t understand it. His reasoning is that his heart is not into it. Apparently, he’d rather be working and making money than working just for a game. Apparently, the new goal is to save enough money to move out of our parents house by spring. I’m terrified.

I feel so many levels of fear. I see so much potential being thrown away… and it makes me wonder what I could have done. If it weren’t for Intelligentsia, I would be wondering if I had made the same mistake and I would be questioning my choices. In fact, I had been wondering right up until I arrived in LA. Once again, I’m terrified. I’m scared as hell of where this kid will land.

I guess the difference is the lack of passion. It seems okay to follow your heart and seek whatever things you really care about, but this seems about just turning down what his heart isn’t into… not going where his heart is. I really am terrified.

Anyway, I had to get this out. I’m thinking so much more carefully about life now. I guess it’s all about learning lessons… Which, apparently, is very scary.

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One thought on “I’m not sure how to put this.

  1. Hey Ryan.

    Thanks for pouring your feelings out for everyone to read. I appreciate your honesty.

    Tough, isn’t it? If I saw correctly when I was there a couple weeks ago, you have a little girl? Me too. And a little boy. And they’re not getting any littler, if you know what I mean. Today they’re learning to read. Tomorrow, learning to drive. And then WANTING to drive. Far away. So I hear you loud and clear about seeing others make their own choices in life and not having any control over it. Only–maybe–a good influence in their decisions. That’s the best we can hope for. Makes one realize the importance of living a solid life because all we have is the influence of our own examples.

    Anyways, thanks for sharing.

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